I’m Just Not Attracted to Him…


I’m Just Not Attracted to Him…

{Guest Post by Kristen Clark}

“I am just not attracted to him…” Have you ever said those words about a guy before?

Do you know a guy who is really awesome in every way (he loves the Lord, is godly, kind, desires to grow, etc.), but you just aren’t attracted to his outward appearance? I have been there and know exactly what that feels like.

Before I got married, God taught me some hard truths about the reality of my own heart and motives in the way I viewed certain guys.

Let me start out with a true story. See if you can relate.

She’s too pretty for him!

One day I was having a conversation with some of my friends about a certain girl who was getting married. She is a beautiful girl and is engaged to a godly man who absolutely adores her. He desires to lead her, protect her, and give her the best life he possibly can.

My friends were having a really hard time accepting the fact that their friend was getting married to this great guy. I asked them what the issue was and they finally confessed that they thought their friend was too pretty for this guy.

“We just never envisioned her marrying someone so unattractive.”

Sure, he isn’t the most popular guy around and he definitely isn’t the “stud” all the single girls are talking about; but he is a godly guy who loves the Lord and desires to marry a godly woman. He has a servant’s heart and will make the woman he marries feel like a true princess.

With so many great character qualities going for him, why would anyone not want their friend to marry him? Could it be that their focus is so tuned in to his outward appearance that they won’t take the time to look deeper?

Do we really care about his heart?

The truth is, most of us think like this whether we want to admit it or not. This was definitely a struggle of mine when I was single. On the outside I would say, “It’s about the heart,” but every time I met a godly, but physically unattractive guy, I made immediate judgments.

I was even guilty of thinking some of the same terrible thoughts about the guy from above:

“He sure got a good catch for a wife.”

“Why would such an attractive girl go for an ugly guy like him?”

“She could marry way better than him.”

I am disgusted by my thoughts and ashamed that I let myself ponder them.

Thankfully, God has opened my eyes to how wrong this thinking is.

I want to change my view of people from an “outward” focus to an “inward” focus. When we, as Christian girls, base our entire attraction on what we think about a guy’s outward appearance, we are looking for a relationship that will only bring short term infatuation.

Infatuation means: “To be inspired with an intense but short-lived passion or admiration.” When our first priorities are on outward attraction, we are saying that what is on the outside is more important than what is on the inside.

Sure, it’s a necessary thing to be physically attracted to your future husband, but it shouldn’t be the trumping standard for his “attractiveness.”

Hollywood says to follow your heart.

Hollywood’s messages are all about finding the person who fulfills you and turns you on. It’s all about you. No wonder the majority of movie stars have tragic heartaches and multiple divorces. They are living according to human desires and sinful passions.

We need to turn to God’s Word to see how He views people.

1 Samuel 16:7b says, “For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”

Another great place to go in Scripture to look for inner qualities in a man is 1 Corinthians 13. This chapter talks all about true love. It explains what genuine love is supposed to look like.

If you want to get married someday, I’m sure you want a husband who understands true love and displays these true love qualities in his life. Patience, kindness, tenderness, self-control, etc.

Muscles and a full head of hair will fade as he grows older, but a man who understands true love will only grow more patient, kind, and self-controlled. That is the kind of man worth marrying. Our focus needs to change from outward to inward.

What kind of qualities are you looking for in a future husband?

Are you focused on his looks or his character?

Let’s turn it around. How would you want a guy to view you? Would you want him to be more focused on your outward beauty or your inward character?

Proverbs 31:30 says: “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

Let’s put that in manly terms. “Strength is deceptive and muscles are fleeting; but a man who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

Like I said before, I believe you should be physically attracted to the man you marry, but it shouldn’t be your primary focus. Don’t reject a guy from the beginning just because he isn’t “attractive.” Have an open heart towards God and be willing to pray about him.

If you start praying for a man of godly character now, your eyes will be opened to amazing guys that you hadn’t ever considered before.

Let’s make it personal:

  • Are you guilty of judging guys based on their outward appearance?
  • Do you view a guy with good looks and no character as more attractive than a genuine godly guy?
  • What is the most important thing you want in a future husband?

-By Kristen Clark

  • Thank you- I love this post! If only girls would say to each other each other “Wow! What a great Christian he is!” about the guys they run into, you know?

  • While I do agree we need to be focused on the heart, the reality is that God made us to be attracted to each other. While a man might be godly, if you are not physically attracted to him then I believe that is one of the ways God uses to tell us that this is not the right person for us. Physical attraction is not the only factor but it is still an important one.

    On the other hand, I have a friend who has married a man who was not physically attractive to her when they were friends. Over time as she saw how good his heart was, she perceived him differently and did eventually find him physically attractive. So sometimes physical attraction comes after the goodness of character is fully appreciated.

    Also, we all have different things we like. What I don’t find attractive in a guy, another woman does. If you don’t think your friend’s boyfriend is attractive that might simply be because you have different tastes. It’s not bad, it’s different.

    So while I agree it’s not the most important thing, it is still important. If it wasn’t God wouldn’t have made sex. We shouldn’t overemphasize physical attraction but I am wary of underemphasizing it as well. It may seem “holier” but it is actually a lie. God has made us to be physically attracted to each other and it is therefore a good thing, in its proper place.