When Girls Chase Boys

When Girls Chase Boys

( Guest Post by Kristen Clark)

“Hey, my friend wanted me to tell you that he thinks you’re pretty.” This young whippersnapper pointed across the basketball gym towards his friend. I glanced across the gym and noticed a good looking guy sitting on the second row.

“Oh really?” I said raising my eyebrows. “Well, then tell your friend to come tell me that himself.” I smiled.

The guy shook his head in acknowledgment and ran off. Later that day, the “real guy” did come talk to me. He didn’t tell me I was pretty to my face, but he did strike up a conversation.

We had a fun “teenager-style” chat and I walked away with butterflies in my stomach.

I was already looking forward to the next time I would see him.

Then something weird happened. He stopped pursuing me. He stopped making efforts to talk to me. He stopped chasing me. I didn’t like this, so I took matters into my own hands.

I chased him instead.

The next 365 days looked like this: Kristen pursuing guy. Guy acting interested, but making no intentional efforts to pursue Kristen. Kristen getting excited because they were “communicating” a lot, but not realizing it was only because of her efforts.

Get the picture? Not good.

And this is how things ended.

When I finally decided to give this guy up, things ended. That was it. When I stopped chasing him, there was nothing left. It was over.

I learned a really good lesson from that experience which is what I’m about to share with you now.

In the “olden days,” it would have been very improper for a woman to pursue a man. Everyone knew it was a man’s job to man-up and go after his woman. Not so much today. In our modern culture, girls are encouraged to chase after boys.

We’re encouraged to follow our heart wherever it leads us.

In fact, the current female pop singer, Ingrid Michaelson, wrote a song about it. The title of her smash hit was named “Girls Chase Boys.” She sings this line 11 times, “Oooooh it’s all the same thing. Girls chase boys chase girls.”

In a behind the scenes interview she was asked why she wrote that song. Here’s what she said, “The focus [of the song] shifted to include the idea that, no matter who or how we love, we are all the same. The [music] video takes that idea one step further, and attempts to turn stereotypical gender roles on their head.”

We live in a culture where turning “stereotypical gender roles” on their heads is the norm. The problem is, we’re not getting what we want. Sure, it might appear like we’re getting what we want, but it never works out in the long run.

As a Christian girl, I have a bone to pick with this worldview.

For starters, when girls chase boys they become the leader in the relationship. They become the initiator and the pursuer. Is this a problem? Well, lets see what happened to Ashley when she took this approach.

Ashley liked Jake. She was tired of waiting. She decided to ask him on a date. She paid for their first meal, bought him the first gift, then asked him to be her Valentine. One year later she asked Jake to marry her. He said yes. She purchased both their rings. She planned the wedding. She picked the honeymoon spot.

Now 10 years later, Ashley is tired of being the initiator.

She is tired of carrying the weight in the family. She begins to despise Jake and views him as a lazy pig. Deep in her heart, she wishes he would take some initiative. She wishes he would pursue her, for once.

Well, Ashley, what did you expect? You encouraged him to be that way from day one. You encouraged him to be the responder. And that’s what you’ve got.

Sadly, this model for relationships is becoming all too common in our society. I hope you can see the obvious pitfalls.

When girls chase boys they really don’t get what they want.

When girls chase boys, we’re unknowingly encouraging the guy to be a follower. We’re encouraging him to be the responder, rather than the initiator. Even a strong headed woman like Ashley didn’t like what she got in the end.

God designed men to be the leaders and women to be the responders. We see this pattern all throughout Scripture. When we try to take matters into our own hands (like I did), things never turn out well in the end.

We force relationships to happen that shouldn’t. We get romantically involved with a guy who isn’t even interested in us. We get our hearts broken because we’re jumping the gun.

Can you relate to this?

With Valentines day right around the corner, it can be easy to “chase boys.” I pray you will see the pitfalls in that method. Instead, let the boy chase you. Let him pursue you. Let him be the man.

And if he doesn’t, that’s okay. Don’t force it. God will bring the right man into your life at the right time. And if he’s godly and mature, he will pursue you.

Instead of crippling the guys in your life (like Ashley did), help them become men.

The best way to do this is to embrace your God-given femininity. The more feminine you become, the more you will encourage the men in your life to become men.

What about you? Let’s chat.

  • Can you relate to my personal experience of chasing a guy? How did things turn out for you?
  • Do you struggle to let guys lead? Do you try to take control?
  • In what ways are you tempted to “chase” a guy this Valentine’s season?
  • Savannah Kjar

    I needed this today! There is a guy that I am friends with and he is very friendly but seems unsure if he wants to pursue anything more with me…I’ve considered “making” a move but I was unsure of how to do that without pursuing him(I really don’t want to do that!). I know if it’s meant to be God will make it clear to both of us so I’ll just keep being me.

  • I feel women could initiate things every now and then in the relationship, but I agree with you that the man should be the leader/main initiator of the relationship.

  • Gracie Ann

    You speak truth & I enjoyed reading your article 🙂 I actually went through a similar situation myself ..I felt this person was the “One” but ended up broken-hearted instead. The Bible says “Love is Patient, Love is Kind.” God has the perfect person for us but we need to pray and guard our hearts. I encourage you ladies to wait on the Lord. Don’t seek after a man, rather Seek God, His face, His will.– In His right timing He will bring that prince into your life <3 🙂

  • Ashley

    I’ve been struggling with this for a while now. And I share the same feelings as the article. It’s funny that my name is also Ashley so its kind of surreal to me lol.

    I’ve read @Kirk12:disqus comments as well and the guy I’m talking to shared similar comments as him. He spoke about men being the only ones to put their hearts out there (as if we don’t). I’ve been struggling because I believe their points are valid that they are risking a lot by coming out and approaching a girl. I think Kirk raised an interesting point when he spoke about introvert vs extrovert. However, I think you kind of didn’t look at the point of view that the girl may be an introvert as well.
    While I do agree with introvert vs extrovert, I find that sometimes when you want something so bad you take the risk and that goes out the door well to me anyway.

    In relationships, I find myself ending up being the leader (don’t know if that’s good or bad lol ) However, later on, I lose attraction because I don’t feel like the man would end up what I deem a man (leader and such). I really enjoy leading and being independent but sometimes I like sitting back (idk). Yes, I have approached a guy once, we went out for a few months.

    Idk, but nothing in me has confidence in a relationship where I have to chase. I believe once your in the relationship it becomes a shared responsibility where you kind of share the role of initiator. When he doesn’t show interest in me, I automatically think he isn’t interested anymore. However, I ignore it and chased him. See, he pursued me for a while now, to have that stop and he seems to message me when he feels like doesn’t feel like love to me. I recall a relative died and well I wasn’t in the mood to talk, he had not once messaged me before or after. When I felt better, I didn’t mention the death but asked why he didn’t message me, he said “you didn’t message me so I didn’t message you”. That’s where I began to lose faith. I mean even the mere fact that you haven’t heard from me in a while didn’t propell him to see if I was ok.

    • Kirk12

      I was considering it from women’s perspective. The reason this article bothered me was mostly due to the gender stereotyping. I think it is guilty of objectifying both genders. It suggests that “if he’s godly and mature, he will pursue you.” This isn’t considering the man’s viewpoint at all. It is unfair to force someone to subscribe to your outmoded idea of what constitutes maturity. The opinion of this columnist is clearly that any man who is not a leader and tends to be reactive is not worth thinking about, basically a complete non-entity that deserves to be ignored and just left alone to die in misery and self-loathing. Women are, in essence, allowed to wait for a man to pursue them, while men are pathetic for doing the same thing.

      I also don’t like the idea of sitting around waiting for God to play a role in human beings’ lives; I think this is superstition, and human beings need to guide their own fates. If you would like to debate me or discuss this in private, please email me at Ashton_Engstrom@yahoo.com