3 Ways To Get The Right Kind Of Man To Like You

3 Ways To Get The Right Kind Of Man To Like You

Blog posts and Youtube videos with titles like the one this article has, have always annoyed me. The perspective is completely backward, the focus is very selfish, and they encourage the wrong kind of mindset. It’s always about manipulation. What knobs you can turn, and what levers can you pull to get the result you want. On top of that, the tips and tricks advised would only work on reeling in the kind of guys you definitely don’t want to be marrying.

And it’s all fake. It’s doing what you have to do in the short term to get out of that person what you want.

In an attempt to sate my own annoyance and to hopefully provide a better approach, I decided to write my own version.

Here you are, ladies: three simple ways to get the right kind of man to like you.

1. Don’t

That’s right. Don’t. Don’t try to get guys to like you. This is really all I wanted to say, but I figured people would accuse me of being a troll if I wrote a blog post entitled “How to Get a Guy to like You,” and then simply said, “Don’t try and get a guy to like you.” So I’ll try and provide a little more insight.

You shouldn’t try to get a guy to like you because that is the complete opposite of the mindset you should want to have. Who are you thinking about when you’re considering how to get a guy to like you? You. Yourself. You’re thinking about what you want, not what would be good for him. (This applies to guys, too).

“Getting” someone to do something means you are manipulating them into doing something they wouldn’t normally do on their own.

I’m not going to tell you how to manipulate people, and you don’t want to be thinking that way. Plus, why would you want to date/court/marry a guy you had to trick or control into liking you? That kind of defeats the whole purpose, right? Where is the romance in making someone like you?

Additionally, men who are striving to be like Christ and who want to eventually pursue a godly wife don’t want women trying to manipulate them into liking them.

I’ll say it again: the right guy doesn’t want you pursuing him!

This may sound counter intuitive, but it’s actually a turn off to the strong Christian man to be pursued by a woman. He doesn’t want to marry that kind of woman. In a marriage, the man needs to be the one to take the lead, and this is why the man needs to be the one to pursue. If the woman robs him of this duty by constantly being the one to initiate, not giving him a chance to take the lead, or frequently attempting to do and say things to draw his attention or admiration, it will quickly become irritating for him. He will see through your subtle attempts to gain his favor.

The right man will pursue you, you don’t have to go after him.

Don’t try and get a guy to like you. However, I do approve of the following two methods for attracting the right man.

2. Be Yourself

I cringe at the cliché-ness of this second step (now I really am starting to sound like all those other blog posts and Youtube videos), but it’s accurate.

You’re not going to attract the right kind of person for you if you’re too busy trying to be someone else. If you put on a mask or create a pretty façade, then you’ll attract the men who are interested in that mask or that façade. Even if it’s a good mask, it’s fake, and you wouldn’t be compatible with a man drawn to that front.

Really, it’s pretty simple.  You want the person who wants you, and you won’t get that person if you’re being someone else.

That being said, you aren’t perfect. You have natural flaws and weaknesses. We all do. Don’t embrace this part of yourself.

We don’t like to change. We like sameness because we know what to expect. It’s safe. Change invites the unknown, and that is frightening. So instead of trying to change our flaws and weaknesses, we often defend them and say, “This is just who I am. Accept me, or leave me.”  The good Christian men, the kind you want to marry, will see that and they will say, “Okay, I guess I’ll leave you.”

Here is the truth that so many fail to see: our flaws are not who we are; our weaknesses are not who we are. We were created to be perfect. Jesus showed us how. Part of being yourself is rejecting the parts of you that aren’t actually you, or rather, not who you were created to be.  That means rejecting your natural weaknesses and flaws. Instead, we need to strive to become like Christ, growing in sanctification through the Holy Spirit. Not remaining as we are.

This doesn’t mean you have to be completely without flaws or without weaknesses, far from it. The man you marry will have plenty of flaws as well. We are flawed beings, and we live in a flawed world. The fall allowed sin into the world, and that’s how things will be this side of Heaven for the time being. There are also inherent blind spots that come with being men and women, but these are present to show us how we need each other—to complement each other.

However, we do need to reject and move away from the parts of ourselves that are still in rebellion to God. We need to be willing to improve, not just accept our sin. Sin is not invincible. It has a weakness too, and that weakness is Christ. We need to be moving toward Christ, not away by passively accepting our sinful weaknesses.

Be yourself, but also be a new a creation in Christ. A woman relentlessly chasing after Christ is incredibly attractive to the man relentlessly pursuing Christ—the one you want to marry. 

This leads me to the final step toward “getting” the right kind of guy to like you.

3. Pursue Christ

This is really what it all boils down to. If you take on the character of Christ, you will have no desire to try and “get guys to like you,” because you will understand how that is manipulative and how it goes against the roles God gave men and women.

Additionally, your character will be attractive and admirable on its own. Jesus didn’t have a problem getting people to come to his “events.” (Something I think many “seeker-sensitive” churches could learn from) In fact, He had to work hard to get away from people. Granted, He also could work miracles, which perhaps you can’t do (unless you can, in which case, that’s always a plus).  Regardless, Jesus was the kind of person people wanted to be around. Who wouldn’t want to be around a person who is courageous, patient, humble, and full of joy, hope, faith, peace, and love? Virtuous people are attractive.

If you want to marry a godly man who is kind, courageous, wise, loving, and so on and so forth, then you should strive to be the feminine version.

Don’t try to attract someone, but work on becoming a benefit to others and a gift to your future husband. Don’t go looking for how to catch “that perfect someone.” Instead, strive to become “that perfect someone” for whomever your future spouse will be. The rest will take care of itself. It’s also much simpler to do, if not easier; love God, and become like Christ.

That’s all you need to know. Do that, and leave the results up to God.

reagan ramm the arsenalWriter, speaker, musician, Reagan Ramm is the editor of Kingdom Pen, a Christian online writing community and e-magazine for teens. He writes on Christian worldview and lifestyle on his blog, while also writing for Coastal Conservatory, a website for families seeking to run a business from home. Additionally, he is currently in the process of writing an ebook on the topic of modesty. On top of his writing, he also produces music, and recently completed his 2nd full-length album with his electronic music project, Andromeda Coast. He will also be producing the debut album for the Long Family Singers. Reagan lives in Southwest Florida, and is the second eldest of seven children.  { http://coastalconservatory.com/,  http://reaganramm.com/ ,  http://kingdompen.org/ }

  • Duuuuuude I like your writing and your perspective on these matters!!! WRITE A BOOK!!! :))) Annnnnd I finally get to leave a comment on one of your posts!!! YAAAAAYYY!!!

    • Haha! Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it! I just finished the rough draft of a book on modesty, and I was thinking I might write a book more related to the topic of this post too, but I’m kind of waiting until I’m married myself. Haha! Thanks so much for the encouragement! 😀

      • Your welcome!!! I actually wrote a post a while ago on my blog called, “How to compete for a guy” I basically was saying what you said in your reason #2 buuuuut made it funny…kinda! LOL
        That’s really cool about the book! I wanna write a book!!! You know, you could write a book on the subject even if your NOT married, you just use sources that have the experience to interview and then use them for what you want to say…I mean just in case you don’t get married for a while. That’s what the dude that wrote I kissed dating goodbye did…then he wrote the second book after he was married! (I was reading some of the comments you got on some of your posts from readers that were saying that you basically have no experience on what you were saying on certain subjects so you have no credibility with your readers. So for example, if you want to write an article about why you think betrothal is the best way of a relationship, you would need to interview someone, or several people that is an authority on the subject, that has experienced it etc…then incorporate and quote them into the point your trying to make in your article. Once you have an authority on the subject to back up what you are saying, you will then have credibility with your readers. )
        I was wondering if there was a way that you could make the comments on your blog so that other bloggers besides Word Press could leave comments! I’ve been reading a lot of your posts and been wanting to comment…you know, I have A LOT to say!!! LOL

        • That’s a good point. I could do both like Josh Harris. What specifically do you think I should write a book on? What do you think is missing on this topic that I could write about? (Yay, market research!) And I find it pretty funny you read those comments about my lack of experience on my blog. That has been by biggest criticism by far, even though I think I did use some examples of other people in my post on betrothal. But actual interviews would definitely help.

          And my blog is kind of a mess right now. 🙁 I was in the process of transferring from Blogger to WordPress when I got really busy with work and school, so I haven’t really had any time to blog, or get my blog sorted out. Need to do that and figure out how to allow non-Wordpress comments…But thanks a ton for reading! 😀

        • And you should now be able to comment on my blog! 😀

          • Cool, cool!!! Sweeeeeeet!!! I’ma comment back to you over there so I’m not blowing up this blog with comments…probably wont be til tomorrow tho its been super busy and i’m on the run to get kids for kids night at church…

  • Amen and amen! Thank you for your encouragement and honesty. I spent too many years of my life trying to “get a godly man to like me”….but thankfully, that changed several years ago. Praise the Lord!

  • Val

    A very interesting article, as usual! I have some questions, though (I hope you don’t mind):
    – when you discourage women to “get a guy to like them”, are you discouraging them to pretend to be the girl that they think the guy likes or just being friendly, trying to become his friend, be nice, etc.?
    – when you say that a man doesn’t want a woman that pursues him, what do you exactly mean? How would you define pursuing? Asking a guy out? Making him understand a certain interest?
    Thank you!!

    • Hi, Val! Those are great questions!

      1. I am discouraging women to pretend to be someone they are not because they think that will get them the guy they want. That approach won’t work, or if it does, the results won’t be what they want. I am not discouraging kindness and being friends. Although, how guys and girls interact as friends is a whole other can of worms. Haha!

      2. By pursuing, I mean her being the one taking the initiative to interact. Frequently inviting him to social events, often initiating conversations online, and of course asking a guy out on a date would certainly also fall into this category, and so would trying to communicate interest to get him interested back. Maybe the man was already planning on inviting her to some social events, or initiating some interaction, but she took the opportunity away from him. Or, maybe he has a good reason for wanting to wait before starting anything. But the woman taking things into her own hands initiating is essentially taking on the role of leadership that should belong to the man. Does that make sense?

      Basically, it’s just overall being the one directing interaction. If a strong godly man gets the sense that a particular woman seems to be constantly trying to please him, or spend time with him, it can seem to him like she is the one pursuing, which is typically not the kind of woman such a man is interested in. Even if he initially was interested in her, and did want to spend more time with her to get to know her, her aggressive pursuit can leave a bad taste in his mouth, and cause him to lose interest.

      Of course, not all guys have an issue with this. Some are more than okay with letting the woman pursue; however, that sets a precedent which can carry over into marriage (or so I’ve read and been told by married people, and know what men are like). So unless you want to be the one taking the lead throughout marriage, and are okay with a passive man, it’s best to let the man be the one to initiate and pursue prior to marriage as well.

      Does that answer your questions?

  • Elizabeth Williams

    Wow, great thoughts! And I totally agree. Sometimes it’s hard for me because guys never seem to notice me, especially the Godly guys. It’s easy to buy into the lie that if I be myself, I will NEVER get noticed. Therefore, I need to be doing something different or else I’ll always be like the wallpaper lol But I know that’s not the right approach at all!

    • Definitely. Don’t believe those lies! Instead, just focus on taking on more and more of the character of Christ. I also think godly guys notice more than they’re given credit for. Don’t just assume the problem is you, and you have to go outside of yourself to be noticed (unless you do just have a massive character flaw or something, in which case, fix that. Haha!) I know some godly guys just aren’t ready to marry, and so they are careful not communicate interest until the time is right. There could be a lot of other variables that are out of your control.

      In the end, it comes down to trusting that God really does have our best interests in mind. We have to have faith and trust that we aren’t going to miss out by being obedient to Christ. In time, we come to see that just the opposite is true!

      • Elizabeth Williams

        Thank you so much! Yeah, I’m a very friendly, social person, but I’m not one of those “loud” people, so I can easily walk into a room and no one notice I’m there lol And I think the Devil plays on that. Because he knows that I have a very modest character. So he tells me “No guy’s ever going to notice you with that kind of personality” or “A Godly guy will never be interested in you.” Which is crazy to think of believing, but when he’s whispering it in your ear, you believe it pretty easily! lol And because I’m 23 and no Godly guy has shown an interest, you start to think “What if there is just something wrong with me??” lol

  • Allie

    Thank you for this wonderful post! I was pleasantly surprised to get to the end and see that it was written by a guy! I’ve read a lot of posts like this that are “From a guy’s perspective” but written by girls and they just seem to loose a lot of credibility because, really the only ones who can *know* a guys perspective are guys. 🙂 It’s really encouraging for young women to see and hear the perspective of a godly man who is living out Christ’s call for manhood. It’s a bit disheartening to see so many young men (including a lot Christians) living against God’s word and giving us mixed signals (such as saying that they appreciate it when women dress modestly and then spending time with and giving attention only to the girls who don’t, etc.). Thankfully, we as Christians are called to live for the Lord and not for men, which means we don’t need their affirmation to continue in our walk! But it’s still really encouraging to see that there are guys who are living their faith. I think it’s so cool how God created biblical manhood and womanhood to compliment each other so perfectly– when I see guys being strong men of God, it encourages me to be a better woman of God and I hope my future husband is surrounded by women who inspire him to be a more godly man. As for topics that I would love to read about, the modesty ebook sounds great, as well as your thoughts on guy/girl interactions (good luck with that one!), and ways that we as women can encourage and affirm the men in our lives. I also think it would be cool to do a post on something from a guy’s perspective and then follow it up with a sequel from a girl’s perspective. Here’s to us all building each other up in the Lord! God bless.

  • Lidiane Cecilio

    Thanks for the words of encouragement! As a christian I know in my heart that this is what I have to do and be, but sometimes I get lost in my thoughts. It´s good to be reminded.

  • Darlene Dufton Griffith

    I’ll say it again: the right guy doesn’t want you pursuing him.

    Well then, I guess I didn’t marry the “right” guy. I approached him and let him know that I was attracted to him. And guess what? He felt complimented and that caused him to be interested in me. Furthermore, that was being myself, as you encourage your female readers to be. It was just natural for me to be open and honest about my feelings and intentions way back then. He saw that quality in me and was attracted to it because I was not one to put on airs or act disingenuous.

    Fast Forward: We’ve been married for over 40 years and it worked for us just fine. But then again, we consider each other equals and both have equal input into the decision making process in our marriage. We are two people who love each other, acknowledge each other’s gifts/skills/talents, and learn to acquiesce to the other person when they have better judgment, discernment, or knowledge about a particular issue. So, sometimes I accede to my husband, and sometimes he accedes to me. Complimentarianism is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Such a system wouldn’t work for our marriage. It very well may have destroyed it.