I have been allowed the honor to watch new life come into this world. For the new mother it is a painful process, for some it is long and hard, for others it is quick and easy. Each person experiences the labor process differently and it cannot be compared to another’s experience. But no matter how much pain the end result is the same. All that pain is forgotten once that new mom is holding their perfect, pink, little newborn close to her chest. How is it that pain can bring such beauty in this world?
I have not yet experienced the joys of childbirth but I have experienced a trial season. Through this season I have felt what seems like an unbearable amount of pain, but through this pain I have been able to see the beauty of growth within myself and how God is shaping me.
Earlier this year, I was deliriously in love with a man I viewed as Godly. As the months went by I thanked the Lord for bringing me such a wonderful man to walk through life with me. In June, disaster struck. He broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming as he had continued to promise our future together but quickly turned his back on premature promises. I was devastated.
I asked God why so many times and became continually frustrated with his silence.
As the months have passed by the answer to my question became clearer. Someone who was my best friend, now treated me like I was less than nothing. He became mean and cruel and I didn’t recognize the person I had fallen in love with. I felt used for convenience and once I had served my purpose I was thrown away.
I had been treated like less than nothing and I felt like less than nothing. I questioned my self-worth, my physical appearance, and why God would allow this to happen to me.
The answer was actually really simple: God rescued me.
I have made you. I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Isaiah 46:4
I began reading through the book Lady in Waiting by Jackie Kendall. In this book the author discusses the content of waiting for your Boaz.
As a Princess of a godly King, I came to realize I was rescued from someone who was not my Boaz.
This was a hard truth because I know he has a fierce love for God, yet there was a lack of obedience (on both our parts) to respect physical boundaries, jealousy, and controlling behaviors. And while it is easy to villainize this person who hurt me so greatly I have no right to judge him as my sin is no greater than his. Hating him would only turn my heart black so I made the choice to reflect on my own sins and what changes I need to make to ultimately become a Ruth. I made excuses for both of our disobedient behavior, justifying them, thinking it wouldn’t matter when we were married, but marriage does not fix bad behavior.
There have been three verses that have gotten me through this trial period and allowed me to experience an immeasurable amount of growth:
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me Philippians 4:13
Up until this point in my life I had no idea what strength it can sometimes take to simply get out of bed in the morning.
As I have walked through this heartache God has carried me and has placed on my heart to pursue him fiercely and I found that opportunity volunteering as a Young Life leader. Had I stayed in that relationship I doubt I would have discovered my true potential to live for God. I said yes to his call and he sustains me.
The challenges didn’t merely stop at a break-up. It felt like every few weeks there would be another trial, another devastating blow, whether it was almost failing a course or a strained relationship with my Father; the hits kept coming. It felt as though just as I would get through a challenge there was a next problem in its place. He keeps me going. To keep fighting. To show grace and forgiveness to those who have hurt me. To fiercely love instead of fiercely hate. Each and every single day.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
Frustrated with singleness? I am.
But as I walk through this season of singleness, I know that the Lord is with me and using this time for a greater purpose. Letting go of this relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I am filled with hope knowing that God does have a Boaz planned for me.
If you’re struggling, with heartbreak, loneliness, anger I won’t promise that those will go away. There are days where bitterness swells within me. Days where I ache with missing him. Those days don’t come as often. Now I feel a peace within myself that I know is only there because Jesus is with me. Be patient with yourself as you build yourself back-up.
Be still and know that I am God 46:10
This one is challenging. The Hebrew definition is to stop striving, to let go, surrender. Through this heartbreak I have learned to surrender it all to him. Everything. Not just hopes of reconciliation, but school, friendships, and money. I reflected on what was keeping me from being a Ruth. I enslaved myself to school, letting go brought me peace and I still am able to get the grades I want.
I gave a lost friendship up to God and just today we were able to reconcile.
Stop striving for whatever you think will bring you happiness before God. Give yourself to God and he will take care of the rest. Soak in quiet times alone with God and let him calm your anxious mind. I know it is hard. I know you want to control everything, but BE PATIENT.
I know you want to go out into the world and find your Boaz. But what if I told you that out there is a man who has a heart that is on fire for God who will actually be the one chasing after you? God has that someone in mind for you so let him do his job, who could do it any better? Take it to Jesus. He is every answer to every question you have.
Experiencing pain in life is difficult, but just wait and see what God will do with that pain. Through pain I have learned so much about myself, I have seen beauty and what strength God has blessed me with. Through it all he has never left my side and I promise he will never leave yours. Watch to see what he will do.
Sydney Jourdan is a 21-year-old nursing student. In May she will be embarking on a career in the United States Navy as a Navy Nurse. She spends her free time as a volunteer Young Life leader and enjoys pour encouragement and wisdom to high schoolers. She has dedicated her life to serving God and has been saved by grace. She is grateful for all the support she has received from the great community of friends and family around her.