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Obsessed With Your Own Beauty
I am obsessed with my looks. There, I said it.
Not the type of obsessed that I can’t pass a mirror or other reflective surface without checking myself out. I’m not arrogant in that I think I’m so beautiful that I simply must have another look at myself. I don’t take selfies anywhere and everywhere and scatter them throughout various outlets of social media. I don’t make selfie books for my husband, Kim Kardashian-style. But I’m obsessed with certain aspects of my appearance.
I don’t quite know how or when this “obsession” started, but I suspect it had something at least in part to do with an unkind boyfriend I had my freshman year of college. Though I was 5’ 7” and maybe 110 pounds on a water-retention kind of day, he made the remark at some point that I could “stand to lose a little weight.” For someone who’d endured some hurtful comments about my looks (something about me not being as pretty as other girls) early in my youth, I had already suffered a few dings to my self-esteem, so this jab about my weight was particularly stabbing and I took it straight to the heart.
Confessions of a Broken Heart
I couldn’t do it anymore. I was tired of pretending that everything was “okay”. I was tired of faking to have a good relationship with Jesus. I was tired of looking and acting like a good Christian girl. I was giving up… It had been a long hard 6 months. I was scared, lonely and tired of pretending. I wanted to run into my room, shut the door and never come out.
We all have times in our lives when we feel distant from God. We hold our feelings in because we are scared of feeling like a horrible person for not trusting that God is good all the time. We don’t even want God knowing about our lack of faith in Him. So we go on pretending until we are tired out and simply can’t pretend any more.