Hi ladies,

I want to finally address a topic and the most prominent question in my inbox since I began my relationship with Dylan. Dylan and I actually wrote this article together and would like to share it with you all so that you know this is coming from both of us!

So we started praying about beginning a relationship in September 2015 and by November 7th we knew that God wanted us to be together and start dating/courting. I (Lisa) dropped off of the blogging community when this happened because I take my writing very seriously and it’s sort of like opening my diary to you all. When I started dating Dylan I wanted it to be private and special and I didn’t want a ton of opinions to be swirling around in my head during this amazing time in our lives. Ever since then I’ve been very quiet on my blog and I apologize for that. I think that once I write this article and say everything I’ve needed to say that I can be more active with my writing on A Lovely Calling.

We got married a little over 2 years ago, after a year of dating and then being engaged for three short but beautiful months! When we got married and during the entire time that we were dating I was flooded with questions of whether or not we were saving our first kiss for our wedding or if we were being physically pure while dating ect. I (Lisa) remember the same month I first met Dylan I wrote an article called “Kissing Before Marriage: Yes or No?” I know this article may have inspired a lot of my readers and I got quite a bit of feedback on it. So when I started dating Dylan I had at the forefront of my mind my original conviction to save my first kiss for my wedding day no matter how in love I was or how badly I wanted a kiss.

However, there is a lot of conflict when the topic of saving your first kiss is brought up.

-“Are kisses really that special that you should save your first one for your wedding day?”

-“Why do you have to take something romantic and make it out to be sinful?”

-“God expects absolute purity and ‘not even a HINT of sexual impurity’ so why wouldn’t every christian save their first kiss?”

Can we just say: ENOUGH. Enough of this back and forth, “should we, shouldn’t we”, “God says this but He also says this” ect. In our culture, christian parents and christian kids are sooo wise in all of their own opinions and now, thanks to social media, no one has a problem loudly and brashly vocalizing their opinions till they are blue in the face (behind their laptop/phone screen of course). And sadly enough, the church and ourselves are the only ones who are being hurt by it.

All of our righteous opinions and arguments do absolutely nothing to further the kingdom of God.

Jesus never criticized or forced His opinions on anyone else.  When Jesus was in ministry while on earth He was full of love, grace and forgiveness. He never called anyone out or got in a commenting war on who was right and who was wrong. He did however rebuke the pharisees and religious leaders for being judgmental and looking down on others…(hint, hint)

Jesus was a good example to the world around Him; sure people hated Him for what he said and what He believed in but He never felt the need to defend Himself. All this to say, we need to stop having expectations that our personal convictions and our beliefs should be understood or even accepted by others. If God gave you a personal conviction then great, stick to it if you can, but don’t expect the same from others and don’t judge them if they do things differently than you.

To get back to the point and to answer the question:

Yes, Dylan and I did kiss after we had dated for a little while and BEFORE our wedding day.

It’s a shocker but it’s true. I spent a long time going back and forth writing and deleting paragraphs on this article describing why and how it happened but I realized I don’t need to do that. I don’t need to defend my decision or defend Dylan and I’s choices. We loved each other and we wanted to share a kiss. It is a very special moment that I treasure and re-visit in my heart and mind always. We don’t regret it one bit because of the beautiful moment we had and all of the fond memories after that as well.

I know I will probably get a lot of questions and flack for this but I don’t mind. I never once felt God glaring down from heaven shaming me for kissing Dylan.

We hope that if some of you make a decision to wait and save your first kiss that God gives you the strength and patience to do so. And if this is something you really don’t plan waiting for, or if you’ve already kissed before your wedding day, don’t feel bad or let yourself or others make you feel less than.

Please be aware that we are not saying it is ok for you to kiss or that it’s wrong. That is a decision that you and the person you are with need to decide and to pray , pray, pray about!

In the christian community and in youth groups and christian families, there is a lot of pressure on every side for a young girl.

Your parents have expectations, your friends have expectations, your church, and if you’re dating/courting your boyfriend might have expectations. Girls, you are under a lot of scrutiny. That is why you need to immerse yourself in the word and guard your heart more than ever.

People in the christian community have a tendency to write their own gospel so to speak.

They throw around Bible verses that are taken out of context in their conversations and they use this as a way to express their beliefs. But this can be very hurtful to those who think they have failed somehow. It can put a lot of unwarranted guilt and shame on them and this guilt, plus the enormous amount of pressure to perform gives them more of a reason to open the door to sin. (i.e. sex before marriage) Be wary of this.

If you feel like you are stuck in that arena-with the eyes of those all around you watching your every step, we encourage you to seek to find quiet time with the Lord; away from the time you spend talking with your sister, youth group friends, boyfriend and your mom. Just talk to God. Arm yourself with His thoughts about you. Ask Him what He would have you do. Receive your guidance and direction from Him. (If you are 18 or younger, always, always obey your parents and know that their direction comes from a place of love and from God.) But still seek the Lord for your confidence and assurance. Go to Him with your questions and concerns. He hears you.

If you are in a godly relationship with someone you need to be careful that you don’t focus too much on what you can or cannot do with each other physically.

We learned this the hard way. Imagine if you are trying to avoid kissing (or holding hands even) if you are in a situation where you could possibly do so, but all you can think about is that you’re not supposed to, then you will be stuck ruining a perfectly beautiful time together worrying about whether or not you will sin. Thinking and thinking about it will eventually lead you to actually doing the one thing you’ve been so heavily focused on the whole time.

People put too much emphasis on one specific act or facet of sexual purity (like kissing) and they shine a spotlight on that one specific act and it magnifies it. But what that is really doing is distracting you from the whole point of a godly relationship which is to magnify the Lord and bring glory to Him! You are now more concerned about that one facet than you are with your relationship with God and with each other.

Dylan and I spent the first part of our relationship focusing too much on one expectation that we failed at but if we had just refocused on our walk with the Lord, we may have had more grace for ourselves and our relationship.

All of this to say, there are bigger things at hand than just focusing on one part of physical purity if you are in a relationship. Looking at our life right now, two years into marriage, with a 5 month old baby, bills to pay, a house to take care of, we both realize that what truly matters is God and His heart for every situation we are in.

In closing, please, if you are in a relationship and one of your boundaries is not to kiss and you are struggling in that area, do NOT take this article as an “okay” to do cross that boundary. Do not read this article thinking that I’m saying it’s ok to kiss. That is not my say so. That is still between you and God and the person you are in a relationship with.

It is a beautiful and virtuous goal to set-to wait and to save your first kiss.

Someday I will encourage my daughter to do so. But I hope it is not the defining factor of her relationship. I hope that if she messes up and does not uphold that conviction, that she has grace for herself; that she realizes that her worth is not found in her purity or in her convictions. I hope she realizes there is more to her life than a single kiss.

God is so much bigger than our sin-so much bigger than our religion, than our relationships. He wants your heart, He wants your love and He wants to show you His love and His grace and His plan for your life. God’s grace and love does not hinge on whether or not you kiss before marriage. Please have grace for yourself, have grace for others if you see them doing something you would never do. Grace upon grace. Why? Because God has give us His grace and mercy. Without it, we would be lost.

We would love to hear all of your thoughts on this matter and we are totally up for answering any questions or concerns you may have. Thank you for reading this and we hope to hear from you!

Dylan and Lisa